A Parliamentary Game of Slaps

I don't know about you, but I love a bit of PMQT (that's Prime Minister's Question Time, for the uninitiated). There's nothing more entertaining than a group of men in suits having a full-on slanging match across a strip of spring green carpet, appearing to all intents and purposes to be re-living the liptastic world of the playgrounds (or dayrooms) that they grew up in. And I'm sorry to all the feminists out there who've noticed my exclusive gender reference, but I can honestly say I have yet to witness a female MP with quite the same propensity to spout verbal effluence at her fellow Honourable Members.

This whole political slag-off tactic thing is a time-honoured tradition, famously championed by the irrepressible Winston Churchill whose favourite targets included former PMs Clement Atlee - 'a modest man, who has much to be modest about' - and Neville Chamberlain, who was apparently looking at foreign affairs through 'the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe'. We love a bit of dirty politics, if we're honest, but after a while it all becomes a bit tired. At least Churchill was witty. And honestly, did anyone feel sorry for UKIP's Nigel Farage when he was taken out by Hislop and co on Have I Got News For You a few weeks ago, for insulting EU President Herman Van Rompuy?

"You have the charisma of a damp rag, and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk. "

If that wasn't funny enough, he then went on to claim, "I've never heard of you, nobody in Europe has ever heard of you." Really? You'd think an MP would have scored a bit higher in the Political General Knowledge round. Even I have some vague idea who he is, and I'm the Politics class member who took a knife to the Houses of Parliament (more on that at a later date). For ten points, Mr Farage, can you name the current Prime Minister? No? Okay, we'll come back to you...

Seriously though - funny, yes. I know I shouldn't admit it, but it was funny - not because I think Herman Van Rompuy resembles a 'low grade bank clerk' (incidentally, I think all bank clerks out there ought to register a rightful indignation with Mr Farage), but because Farage actually thought he was being 'quite moderate and reasonable.' For real. And would he think it was reasonable if someone got up and told him, for example, that he was in serious need of dental work and looked like he dressed himself from a bin bag? All of which is fairly irrelevant, really - and that's the point. What someone looks like isn't the issue in politics; what they do and what they believe in, is. I know it sounds corny, but if we can't get over the snipes and jibes of contemporary political banter then we won't have a decent government at all - just a parliamentary game of slaps, with a bit of legislation thrown in for good measure.

Which is why I'll heartily join Ian Hislop in telling Mr Moderate and Reasonable, 'you mustn't assume that the general population is as ignorant as you are.' Ouch! But he has a point. For better or worse, Farage and the other 645 MPs represent us: our values, our priorities, our opinions. No, they can't get it right all of the time, and no, we'll never realistically have a system that equalises every view, because nothing would ever get done. But we have a right to hold our representatives to account - which is kind of hard when they're intent on slagging each other off instead of taking their jobs seriously.

I recently had a flier through my door from my local MP, who is a Lib Dem. I have nothing personal against the guy, but I was shocked and disappointed at the way he treated his Tory opposition. He didn't even bother to name him, choosing to refer to him as 'the Conservative Candidate from Cornwall' (a clear alienation tactic for a Somerset constituency), and made all kinds of unsubstantiated accusations rather than bothering to detail his own, presumably-excellent-because-he-wants-us-to-vote-for-him, plans. What kind of a politics is that? I don't vote on the basis of who can dish the most dirt; I want to be able to trust my MP.

I know politics is a lot about advertising, and fair enough, you've got to have some tactics. Pointing out genuine problems in your rivals' schemes is legitimate, but unnecessary bad-mouthing is just unprofessional. In fact, I can't think of another field of employment in which someone would get away with it, apart from stand-up comedy. Of course the British people are not ignorant; why should we allow ourselves to be played by those politicians who fail to demonstrate substance because they think we'll fall for their froth? We deserve a better class of politicians - men and women who value professionalism and integrity over cheap jibes.

My advice this General Election, for what it's worth, is to evaluate prospective MPs based on their conduct as well as their policies, and to cut through the witty banter to the issues that are really important. And if you'd like to watch Nigel Farage embarrassing himself, be my guest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkhqyoZkXy4&feature=related

I'll be back after the weekend for a look at the inner machinations of Parliament - and don't worry, it will be more upbeat. I might even include the knife story...